Google is not my friend

I successfully navigated most of our family holiday parties without breaking down in tears, saying something inappropriate, or avoiding them altogether. I only had one “break down and ugly cry” moment in the car driving back to Ohio. Of course, we were asked “the question” I mentioned in my last post. But I used my go to answer and the sting didn’t hurt as much this year. It could be because I prepped myself more this year or I’m just used to answering it at this point. Now to look forward!

Monday is our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I started fertility testing with my OB/GYN this past spring without any conclusions. When it got to the point of prescribing clomid, I opted to make an appointment with a RE. I have a history of ovarian cysts so I felt like this was a better option for me personally. I researched RE’s in town, heard recommendations from friends and online, and decided to go to the biggest clinic at the women’s hospital downtown. Plus it’s close to work! (Trying to be positive here)

Since I already did fertility testing with my OB/GYN, I needed to pick up my records to take to the new doc. Let me just reference the title of this post; Google is not my friend. I found myself devouring every page of my records google-ing every medical term I could find. And I freaked myself out.

My husband has been out of state at training for the past month, so I was home alone, bored, lonely, and obsessed with my file. I went over my HSG results (which we completely normal) and my bloodwork that said in large lettering “ANOVULATION.” Not good.

Then there were the ultrasounds. I had a series of ultrasounds done to check cysts in my ovaries. Those were scary. I won’t get into the details but after reading and google-ing I was left feeling like I had two busted ovaries.

So this brings me to my appointment on Monday. What was your first appointment with your RE like? I’m expecting a consultation, maybe we’ll go over past tests and a plan for treatments or further testing. I’m scared of being given a prescription at the first appointment. I’m scared of being tossed into a sterile room with a gown on without warning. I’m scared of having docs in my “lady business” right away, but I guess I should be used to it at this point?

And by the grace of God, my husband will be home on Monday and not on call to fly. Thank you airplane Gods. I don’t think I could do this first appointment without him. I’m a nervous wreck.

I put this appointment off for a few months just because of fear. Although the tests I’ve done so far weren’t painful, the process is. I’m scared of finding out why we aren’t having children right now. I’m scared of a diagnoses. I’m scared of feeling defeated. I’m scared of starting treatments and getting my hopes up. I’m scared of doing treatments and my husband not being home anyways (#pilotwifeproblems). I’m just plain scared. So there’s that.

Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated! I like hearing from other women who have walked in these painful, ugly, and uncomfortable shoes. From what I read online, there’s hope for all of us. I’m just waiting for mine.

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3 thoughts on “Google is not my friend

  1. I remember EXACTLY how I felt when I went to my first RE appointment. Before that, I had already had lots of testing (you can read about it in My Story) and still had no answers. I was exciting and nervous. The first appointment is a little overwhelming. One thing that helps is you can write down some questions you have before you go and bring them with you. That way you can make sure you will remember to answer them. All the information they give you will be a little overwhelming. That is ok. You will have time to absorb it all. All REs are different but mine did not do any testing that day. They did go over a LONG long list of blood tests we would have to take before we started any type of treatment (my husband had already recently had a sperm analysis). The tests sound scary but they will be done quickly and if they do find something, then maybe they can address your issue. They seem to pretty much have a protocol to address all different types of issues. My infertility is still unexplained and we did 3 IUIs and just finished 2 retrievals and PGS testing (everyone’s plan of action will be different). Just knowing that you are giving it your best shot is worth the anxiety that comes along with everything. Also, you will be surprised how quickly things will become old hat. For example, when doing our retrievals, I was scared of giving myself several shots a day. After a few days, it was second nature to me. You will adapt quickly. I wish you the best of luck!

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  2. I have never had a miscarriage, but I know how you feel with the rest of it. My husband and I go for our first reproductive endocrinologist appointment Jan 6, and I was up until 4 am looking up things about RE appointments because my brain wouldn’t shut off. My OB diagnosed me with PCOS, so I know why I am not ovulating, but I am not getting pregnant even with the Clomid, and the last two months of taking it, I still didn’t ovulate. I started my own blog about it all. I hope your appointment goes well!

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    1. Thank you! I feel so much better after our appointment today. I was so nervous I woke up with hives this morning!!! But I feel like we’re on the right road and my doctor really made me feel better about things. She even disagreed with some things my ob/gyn said, and she’s the expert! Good luck with your appointment! Hopefully you can get a solid plan in place.

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