Dealing with fertility issues has caused me to have a split personality. I go back and look at my posts from the first two weeks of my cycle versus the last two weeks and I have to laugh at myself!
The first two weeks of my cycle I feel on top of the world. This could be the month! I’m hopeful and excited. I’m optimistic. I’m happy.
The last two weeks of my cycle I turn cynical, pessimistic, angry, and depressed. It could be PMS and hormones. I blame it on disappointment. I’m certainly not looking forward to AF and another month of TTC and most likely being let down.
This month I guess it hurt more than usual because instead of another month of trying, we’re looking at starting clomid and doing an IUI. I should be feeling excited. But I’m scared. I’m angry that I have to do these in the first place. I’m just plain pissed off at my insurance company and employer for not covering fertility treatments. I’m annoyed at balancing work with the many doctor appointments. I’m frustrated at the lack of understanding from some of our family and friends. I’m just feeling down.
I know my first two weeks of my next cycle I’m going to be even more excited because of the Clomid and the IUI. And if it doesn’t work, than the last two weeks of my cycle are going to be extremely long and devastatingly low.
Although infertility comes with it share of physical pain, I think the emotional pain is worse. The constant ups and downs are making me feel absolutely crazy. How long do I stay on this roller coaster?