Timing

Being married to a corporate pilot I’ve learned to live in the moment. This is something I struggled with for years when he was just beginning his career in aviation. He’s on call 24/7, with few days off and little notice before he’s dispatched away for a flight.

I live without schedules, plans, planned vacations, or expectations for the most part. We literally take every single day as it comes, which has its upsides and downsides. I can say I’m more spontaneous but it also comes across as “flaky” to many friends who don’t quite understand. We miss family and friend gatherings every year and rarely RSVP correctly to weddings. It is what it is and I’ve lived it for almost 5 years now. I’m proud of how independent I’ve become and how much stronger I am because of this lifestyle. It’s what I know and I’m pretty apprehensive of how life would be with my husband home every single day!

So I pretty much had to tell our life story to my RE when we were deciding on which fertility treatments to move forward with. Because of my husband’s lack of work schedule and traveling for extended periods of time she suggested trying an IUI right off the bat. But we wanted to try a month of clomid and timed intercourse before dropping $3000 for a small increase in our chances of conceiving. And it gives us more time to bulk up our savings. So we decided to try clomid for a month and see if my husband can get his work schedule to ease up for our 2 week window of BDing.

Now my life of randomness and spontaneity is becoming planned down to every single day. I’m obsessing with which days or weeks my husband needs to try to be around, whereas before I learned to not do that for my own sanity and happiness. It feels so counterintuitive for me. Planning leads to being let down when he’s not able to be home.

I feel like I’m setting myself up for a tough February. Not only will my hormones be jacked up, but my hopes are high for baby making success and I’m expecting my husband to be home in an industry where that doesn’t always happen. I’m scared. I’m nervous. But I’m hopeful.

Infertility means juggling so many aspects of your life at the same time. Like I’ve said before, although there is physical pain I struggle with the emotional and mental pain the most. And now my peace of mind in our day to day lifestyle is being cracked open and exposed.

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