I’ve been having some minor panic attacks this weekend. I took my last pill of provera on Thursday with the hopes of AF arriving this weekend. 

Nope. That would be too easy, and of course I have to do everything the hard way. 

So naturally I spent the weekend obsessing over what could be wrong with me. CD 53, 10 days of provera, and still nothing!! I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body and it’s incredibly frustrating. 

I even took another HPT (because I obviously like to torture myself). I don’t even need to tell you the two words that flashed back at me. 

Ugh… So I’ll just keep waiting. I’m debating if I should call my doctor tomorrow or just wait it out. I’m going back in next Monday anyways. 

On another note, I went shopping for a baby shower gift for a friend who’s due in June with her first baby. Typically I avoid the baby section of any store but lately I’ve been allowing myself to browse with the rationale that I’m just looking for a baby shower gift. 

I decided to buy her diaper bag and I stuffed in with diapers, wipes, pacifiers, burp cloths, onesies, and a few books. It was really cute when I wrapped it all up with a pink bow!

But while I was in the baby sections, I lingered. And I started to pick things out for my baby. I saw a camo onesie at old navy recently that said, “dad’s wingman.” I really wanted to buy it (since my husband is a pilot) but I stopped myself. 

Today at Target I saw a onesie with an airplane print design. I couldn’t help but hold it up and imagine myself buying it for my son. This baby boy I imagined in my head. With my husband’s curls and my blue eyes. Chubby like we both were as babies. Smiling at me. 

I didn’t let myself but anything besides the shower gift. 

Years ago, when my husband and I were juniors in college, we went to the air and space smithsonian for spring break. We saw a poster with a young boy in an old school aviator hat. We bought it saying to ourselves this will hang in our child’s room one day. It’s still rolled up in our guest room closet with some books I’ve collected over the years and a few stuffed animals. 

How much longer will it have to sit in our closet? 

6 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. Hang in there!! I didn’t get my period until seven days after my last Provera pill. My doctor told me it usually takes seven to ten days after the last pill to get your period but everyone is so different. Thinking of you though and I’m proud of you for not buying anything!! I know how difficult it is (I’ve failed so many times . . . .) xo


    1. Thanks for the info! I read it could take up to 2 weeks after the last dose… Ugh. I’ve never had this problem before and my doctor made it seem like I might not even need the whole dose. Oh well… The wait continues!


  2. I avoid the baby aisles, and to be honest, I haven’t attended a baby shower yet. Everyone here knows what happened to me, so I don’t get invited to many of those shindigs (which I’m not complaining). The wife of one of my coworkers came into the office last week with her little girl. Everyone was just cooing over her, kept asking her if she loves her mama and dada. I ended up in the bathroom in tears. Hang in there. I know it will be one day!


    1. I’m so sorry Katy. Sometimes when I think I’ll be a mess I surprise myself by being ok. Then there are days when I’m crying at commercials. I’ve definitely had my crying in the bathroom moments too. This will be the first baby shower for me since our struggles and I still debate whether I want to go or not. Thanks for the reminder that our days will come!


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