Ouch

I was really feeling good lately. Hopeful. Even though our last two cycles on clomid were a bust and I had a minor stint with provera, I was still looking forward. But today was a huge set back. 

So I have a friend in town (which I don’t have many because my husband and I are transplants from another state) who I shared our infertility journey with. She was newly married and seemed to have a huge list of things stacked against her and her husband conceiving. She was going into it with a battle mentality thinking she would be in it for the long haul. 

I found comfort knowing I could talk freely about our infertility struggles. We even went to the same fertility clinic! We laughed at our experience with the nurse who gives awful blood draws! 

Today she invited my husband and I out to dinner. We ate, casually chatted, and then there was an awkward pause. 

She said, “well, we wanted to meetup with you guys because we want you to know we’re pregnant! We wanted to tell you first before you saw it anywhere because of the troubles you’ve been having.” 

Huh!?!!? 

I wish I had a camera so I could see a pictures of our faces. My husband graciously stepped up and started congratulating them while I literally sat with my mouth hanging open. 

I put on my big cheesy smile and tried to ask questions excitedly. But all I could think was don’t cry, hold it in. And her due date was early November, the same due date we were supposed to have 2 years ago before we lost our baby. After a bit, I casually passed my phone to my husband with a text that said, “I need to go.” 

I do feel happy for them. I’m glad they didn’t have to experience the medications, tests, heartbreak, insane medical bills, and everything else that comes with infertility. They got pregnant their very first month of trying (even with a serious diagnosis that I won’t go into here). 

We left, both with our painful smiles, and before we even made it to the car I was ugly crying. I felt (and still feel) like an awful person that I can’t just be happy for them. I can’t celebrate with them right now. I was literally holding myself bawling in the car while my husband drove home in silence. 

So, what did I learn tonight? Being told in person hurts. Bad. Especially when it’s completely unexpected. 

I’m really trying to not let this push me back into a dark place. Unfortunately those why us?!?! questions came creeping back in. A huge reminder that all of our tests come back normal but for some reason we still can’t get pregnant. A huge reminder that we should have our 1 year old bub right now. 

My husband and I are still sitting in silence. Shocked. Although we don’t have anyone around us to confide in, at least we have each other. I’m so thankful he’s been home lately and not away flying. 

He’s coming with me to our RE appointment Monday. We’re starting over. New meds. New plan. Fingers crossed. Stay strong. 

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13 thoughts on “Ouch

  1. I am so sorry that your friends did that to you!! I appreciate that they wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else, but in person at public dinner, that’s harsh!! This so reminds me of just a month ago when Mr. MPB’s brother did something so similar to us. It still hurts. Please know your feelings and your reaction are completely normal for such a hard situation.
    Sending you love and strength right now.

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    1. Thank you so much. I really appreciate this online community and the strength and support I get from all of you. I get where she was trying to come from but it still sucked (can’t think of any other word to describe how I feel!) Deep breaths…

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  2. Ugh! I can’t imagine your pain. My first day at my new job I was in orientation and a girl who started with me blurts out to the group…”oh! And I’m pregnant, due in July!” I wanted to just bawl right there right then…I still don’t like the girl. Ugh. Hang in there girl! Hopefully this new plan goes well! We have our first RE appointment a week from Monday, I will be thinking of you!

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    1. Thank you. I’m glad I didn’t start crying at the table, I would have felt even worse! Good luck at your first RE appointment 🙂

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  3. This literally just happened to me with a friend I blog with. We were both on the same round of Clomid, and while she was scheduled to meet with an RE on Tuesday, I was scheduled on Wednesday. She found out she was pregnant the MORNING of her RE appointment, on her third round of Clomid. She got to go in and they confirmed her pregnancy. I got to go in on Wednesday and they tell me only IVF will work. She even sent me a picture of her positive pregnancy test, and it ruined my day.

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    1. Wow that sounds tough! The only positive pregnancy test I want to see is my own. It’s so hard balancing wanting to be happy for them with our own grief. Sometimes I feel like I’m good luck to anyone around me who wants to get pregnant because all of the women around me seem to get pregnant within 3 months. And I’m quickly approaching 3 years…

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  4. My grief from infertility is big and wide and deep and anything can trigger it. I just have to feel what I feel and keep on moving because it’s too painful to stay stuck.

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  5. As soon as I began to read “who I shared our infertility journey with” I knew where this was going. I have been there. A month after my first miscarriage (I was due in November the same year you were), we were invited to a surprise birthday party, where the surprise was a bust (the husband figured it out), but their pregnancy announcement was the real surprise of the evening. When they said it, I felt like I had been stabbed with a blunt object straight through my chest. They knew about my miscarriage. I was flabbergasted. I actually wrote a blog post last Mother’s Day that I think you would enjoy. It was my effort to explain this very scenario to oblivious people as well as other types of scenarios I’ve experienced. Hang in there.

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    1. Thank you. I knew my friend was trying to be kind by telling us first, but face to face in a crowded restaurant was tough. I can’t even imagine a party where everyone is celebrating! Based on my reaction yesterday I’m really considering not going to baby shower I was invited to in 2 weeks. I see myself as the woman crying in the bathroom trying to hold it together. Although all of these experiences are horribly painful, I’m thankful for this online community where we can share our thoughts and feelings without judgements.

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  6. It’s always hard enough finding out a friend is pregnant, let alone one who you thought you could talk to about your journey and share troubles together, let alone being told in a restaurant one on one. I’m so sorry, you did so well not to shed a tear there and then, I know I would have 😦
    But a new plan sounds like a good plan batman! Good luck for Monday!

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    1. That’s it exactly! Just this ache inside that’s going to be there until I hold our baby in my arms. I know many women here understand that feeling.

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