I will not cry

I made it through the baby shower yesterday. I’ve been debating for a few weeks whether to go or not, but I decided to just suck it up and go. I told myself it wasn’t about me and I just needed to go and be a supportive friend. 

It was OK. I survived. I felt pretty uncomfortable and didn’t really say much. I don’t have much to say about babies right now other than I really want one. I tried to just smile. 

There were points when my chin quivered but I kept telling myself I will not cry! There were moments when I felt left out. We played a game where they asked the mom-to-be how many kids they were going to have. In my head I was thinking that question will never be asked at my shower because I know it’s not in my hands. Another mom was talking to her recently married daughter about trying to have a child before an upcoming wedding. I thought oh, if it were only that easy.

My husband was able to come back to Ohio with me. He went go karting with the other guys while we were at the shower. We were both feeling a little apprehensive so on the drive over we jokingly agreed to a code word: something we could say inconspicuously to let the other know we needed to get the heck out of there! Tuesday. 

So I made it through the small talk, games, and gifts. I was so happy no great aunt or cousin asked me when we were going to have a baby or make a comment about being next. Finally I was able to escape and walked out with a friend. We’re not especially close but see each other a few times a year. 

She turned to me and said, “Are you OK today? I know you and Marcus have been going through a lot and it’s probably hard for you to be here. And I think you’re such a sweet person for coming anyways.” I cried. She saw that I posted something on my Facebook about NIAW and took the effort to ask if I was OK. She immediately felt bad for asking because here I was next to our parked cars crying.

I explained to her that I wasn’t crying because she asked but because I was holding it all in. And I told her I really appreciated her asking because I try to put on such a strong front but it doesn’t always work. She said she saw my face at times and just wanted to make sure I was alright. I’m amazed at the support, love, and kindness that surrounds us. I didn’t expect it but I really needed it at that moment.

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7 thoughts on “I will not cry

  1. Showers can be really tough.I am glad your friend took the time to ask how you were feeling about things. That always means to much. Sometimes it is exactly what you need.

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  2. I am impressed by your courage to attend the shower to support your friend. And, I am equally as impressed by the other friend asking you how you were doing and being there to support you. A good cry on a friend’s shoulder is sometimes the best medicine.

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  3. I have so much respect for you (not that I didn’t before, but you know what I mean). I haven’t been invited to a baby shower since my miscarriage, but I don’t know if I would be able to go either. I’m so glad that friend was put in your path!

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    1. I think I’ll spare myself from future showers but I’m glad I went. I read a quote somewhere that said, “I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength.” I’m sure none of us are thankful for this journey but I do feel a lot stronger because of everything we deal with!!

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