Being in our six month wait gives me a ton of time to think. I’m not obsessing over temperatures, ovulation tests, woulda coulda been phantom symptoms, or medications and lab work. It’s just good ole fashion trying to make a baby til October.
In my copious amount of time to think, I’ve been reflecting on our experiences. My husband and I met in college but we are pretty far from your typical happily ever after. He’s a charter pilot which means he’s gone for extended periods of time with little notice ahead of time and no schedule. And no, I don’t even get free flights.
At first, I fought to live like the typical married couple. Why am I married when I’m sleeping in my bed alone in a new city? Why can’t he be home more? Why don’t I have my partner by my side when I need him the most? I struggled with feeling alone and isolated for a long time. Most of our friends and families didn’t understand why we couldn’t make definitive plans. When my husband is only home one weekend a month I selfishly want to keep him for myself!
After years of this turmoil I finally learned to accept our lifestyle. I found my own path being married to a pilot. I learned to make plans and continue to live my life, and if my husband was around to experience it with me it’s an added bonus. I learned to be content just being by myself. It was a hard thing to do but I had to change my mindset in order to be happy again.
So three years later into our marriage, two of which we’ve been on our TTC journey, I find myself in a very similar situation. I struggle with the emotions and bad feelings that come with infertility. I blame myself and try to reason why we’re experiencing something that truly can’t be explained.
So I had to change my mindset again to find happiness. Infertility is just something we’re experiencing right now. And it won’t be forever. As much as I wish we could be that conventional couple that quickly gets pregnant after their one year anniversary, we’re not that couple. We live a different lifestyle, we walk on a different path.
I love the person I’m becoming in spite of infertility. I’m learning to love myself exactly as I am and accept my body. I’m learning to make time to take care of myself. I’m learning the true meaning of patience and perservesrance. I’m learning to pray more and gain strength from these struggles. Infertility does not define who I am and it never will.