Avoidance 

My husband very kindly warned me that we got a baby shower invite in the mail today. 

I wrote a few months ago how our friends told us about their pregnancy. It was a nice gesture telling us before announcing publicly, but still really hard to hear in person. Cue the cheesy fake smile. 

Honestly, we’ve been avoiding them since their announcement. I’m just not in a place to hear about all the joys of pregnancy and parenthood. Nevertheless, we’re still invitedto a  backyard baby-q to celebrate at the end of this month. 

Ideally it would have been nice to get a text heads up about the invitation. And it would have been ever better with an understanding that we may not want to attend in light of what we’re currently going through. 

But that’s in an ideal world where people understand the emotional nightmare of infertility. Not our reality right now. 

So now I feel stuck. The last baby shower I attended was pretty awkward. I held it together but I just felt so out of place. And I told myself that I wouldn’t make myself attend another one. 

I was recently having a conversation with my mom about our IUI. I told her I don’t like to think it worked because it makes it harder when things don’t work out for us. She started to chastise me about negative thinking but I interrupted her saying, “It’s my body and my experience. I can feel however the hell I want to!” And I’ve been really embracing that lately. 

I decided I don’t want to go. I can feel and act however the hell I want to right now! And I feel like I need to protect myself. 

How do you get out of baby related events? Half of me wants to educate our friends on why we won’t be attending (even though they know our circumstances right now). The other half just says to politely decline and send my gift. 

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8 thoughts on “Avoidance 

  1. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I think it is healthy for you to allow yourself to feel the way you do rather than suppress it. Also I think it is good for your sanity to avoid situations which will upset you. Go with your heart in how you want to deal with things – I’m sure that will lead you down the right route. Best wishes to you.

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  2. It’s actually easier in the UK because baby showers aren’t such a thing. We have them, but it’s by no means the norm. It’s more about having to meet the baby once it’s born. Personally if I don’t want to go, I don’t go… That’s why I have friends whose children I’ve never seen. There was one I didn’t meet until he was 4!

    I guess I just kind of stop seeing friends who have babies… It’s sad, but I also think they contribute to it. Once they have babies, a lot of women I know only hang out with other mothers. I always send a gift when the baby’s born but I often avoid them in person. Also I have people in my social circle who are pregnant and have specifically avoided them… There’s one who’s pregnant currently and I sent my partner to meet her as I couldn’t face it.

    I really feel for you and I hope you’re okay. I think it’s right just to deal with it in a way you feel you can manage. There is no point going to a baby shower and feeling terrible. I don’t think one person attending makes such a difference that it would ruin it for the mum-to-be. You have to look after yourself. X

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    1. Thanks. I agree, there’s no point going to an event where I’m just going to feel awful and awkward. I’ll just send a gift and be done with it! I’ve noticed I’ve lost touch with friends that have moved into parenthood. I think it’s a combination of me avoiding them and my friends not knowing what to say or how to be around us right now. Ugh…

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      1. I don’t know. Sometimes (when I’m in a really bad b!tchy mood) I blame the mothers. Like I have all these friends who had kids who suddenly aren’t interested in meeting up with people who don’t have kids. We haven’t publicised our fertility problems so all they know is that we don’t have kids. I think they just go into a different zone and they don’t have anything to say to me any more. 😪

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      2. Or when you do meet up the only thing they talk about is the baby… And I counter with all the ins and outs of fertility stuff!! 😜 I don’t mind sharing anymore. The teacher in me really enjoys educating people on the many ways to have a baby.

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  3. I totally understand- I have not seen my husband’s friend’s wife since she announced 6 months ago. I’m sure she knows I’m avoiding but honestly, good friends will understand. Another friend of mine texted me yesterday to give me a heads up that her baby shower invite was on the way and that she totally understands if I can’t make it- THAT’S a good friend! And the fact that she is so understanding makes me actually want to go (although I’m still undecided- it would be tough!). I think when people go through hard times, that’s when you really realize who people are that you actually want around you- and sometimes, someone that you thought was a really good friend, turns out not to be, and people you thought weren’t great friends, turn out to be the most supportive!

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    1. Your friend who gave you a heads up and an easy out is awesome! I’m definitely finding what you said about friends to be true. People who I haven’t been the closest to in the past are reaching out and supporting me, where some close friends just never seem to know what to say or do. I try to be a little understanding of their perspective too, but seriously… a simple google search about infertility can explain all the etiquette anyone needs to know!

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  4. Good for you on your decision. I think we all put on these smiles and try to be there for all of the baby events, but sometimes we have to take a step back and do what is best for US! Just hearing baby announcements alone these days put me into a sad sad place. So you are doing the right thing for yourself.

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