Avoidance 

My husband very kindly warned me that we got a baby shower invite in the mail today. 

I wrote a few months ago how our friends told us about their pregnancy. It was a nice gesture telling us before announcing publicly, but still really hard to hear in person. Cue the cheesy fake smile. 

Honestly, we’ve been avoiding them since their announcement. I’m just not in a place to hear about all the joys of pregnancy and parenthood. Nevertheless, we’re still invitedto a  backyard baby-q to celebrate at the end of this month. 

Ideally it would have been nice to get a text heads up about the invitation. And it would have been ever better with an understanding that we may not want to attend in light of what we’re currently going through. 

But that’s in an ideal world where people understand the emotional nightmare of infertility. Not our reality right now. 

So now I feel stuck. The last baby shower I attended was pretty awkward. I held it together but I just felt so out of place. And I told myself that I wouldn’t make myself attend another one. 

I was recently having a conversation with my mom about our IUI. I told her I don’t like to think it worked because it makes it harder when things don’t work out for us. She started to chastise me about negative thinking but I interrupted her saying, “It’s my body and my experience. I can feel however the hell I want to!” And I’ve been really embracing that lately. 

I decided I don’t want to go. I can feel and act however the hell I want to right now! And I feel like I need to protect myself. 

How do you get out of baby related events? Half of me wants to educate our friends on why we won’t be attending (even though they know our circumstances right now). The other half just says to politely decline and send my gift. 

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I will not cry

I made it through the baby shower yesterday. I’ve been debating for a few weeks whether to go or not, but I decided to just suck it up and go. I told myself it wasn’t about me and I just needed to go and be a supportive friend. 

It was OK. I survived. I felt pretty uncomfortable and didn’t really say much. I don’t have much to say about babies right now other than I really want one. I tried to just smile. 

There were points when my chin quivered but I kept telling myself I will not cry! There were moments when I felt left out. We played a game where they asked the mom-to-be how many kids they were going to have. In my head I was thinking that question will never be asked at my shower because I know it’s not in my hands. Another mom was talking to her recently married daughter about trying to have a child before an upcoming wedding. I thought oh, if it were only that easy.

My husband was able to come back to Ohio with me. He went go karting with the other guys while we were at the shower. We were both feeling a little apprehensive so on the drive over we jokingly agreed to a code word: something we could say inconspicuously to let the other know we needed to get the heck out of there! Tuesday. 

So I made it through the small talk, games, and gifts. I was so happy no great aunt or cousin asked me when we were going to have a baby or make a comment about being next. Finally I was able to escape and walked out with a friend. We’re not especially close but see each other a few times a year. 

She turned to me and said, “Are you OK today? I know you and Marcus have been going through a lot and it’s probably hard for you to be here. And I think you’re such a sweet person for coming anyways.” I cried. She saw that I posted something on my Facebook about NIAW and took the effort to ask if I was OK. She immediately felt bad for asking because here I was next to our parked cars crying.

I explained to her that I wasn’t crying because she asked but because I was holding it all in. And I told her I really appreciated her asking because I try to put on such a strong front but it doesn’t always work. She said she saw my face at times and just wanted to make sure I was alright. I’m amazed at the support, love, and kindness that surrounds us. I didn’t expect it but I really needed it at that moment.

Anxiety

I’ve been having some minor panic attacks this weekend. I took my last pill of provera on Thursday with the hopes of AF arriving this weekend. 

Nope. That would be too easy, and of course I have to do everything the hard way. 

So naturally I spent the weekend obsessing over what could be wrong with me. CD 53, 10 days of provera, and still nothing!! I have absolutely no idea what is going on with my body and it’s incredibly frustrating. 

I even took another HPT (because I obviously like to torture myself). I don’t even need to tell you the two words that flashed back at me. 

Ugh… So I’ll just keep waiting. I’m debating if I should call my doctor tomorrow or just wait it out. I’m going back in next Monday anyways. 

On another note, I went shopping for a baby shower gift for a friend who’s due in June with her first baby. Typically I avoid the baby section of any store but lately I’ve been allowing myself to browse with the rationale that I’m just looking for a baby shower gift. 

I decided to buy her diaper bag and I stuffed in with diapers, wipes, pacifiers, burp cloths, onesies, and a few books. It was really cute when I wrapped it all up with a pink bow!

But while I was in the baby sections, I lingered. And I started to pick things out for my baby. I saw a camo onesie at old navy recently that said, “dad’s wingman.” I really wanted to buy it (since my husband is a pilot) but I stopped myself. 

Today at Target I saw a onesie with an airplane print design. I couldn’t help but hold it up and imagine myself buying it for my son. This baby boy I imagined in my head. With my husband’s curls and my blue eyes. Chubby like we both were as babies. Smiling at me. 

I didn’t let myself but anything besides the shower gift. 

Years ago, when my husband and I were juniors in college, we went to the air and space smithsonian for spring break. We saw a poster with a young boy in an old school aviator hat. We bought it saying to ourselves this will hang in our child’s room one day. It’s still rolled up in our guest room closet with some books I’ve collected over the years and a few stuffed animals. 

How much longer will it have to sit in our closet?