The empty room

We bought and moved into our first home two years ago. We were expecting our first baby at the time and imagined filling our three bedroom house in the upcoming year. Unfortunately things did not turn out as planned.

When we toured our home and moved in, we chose the smallest bedroom as our nursery. We started to imagine the layout and color scheme. I have a whole Pinterest board saved for this exact purpose! But two years later, it’s still a plain white room. I guess it reflects our experience trying to have a baby for the past two years. Grand plans, but still empty.

I decided that this room needed a change. I’m tired of looking at the room of “what ifs.” I usually keep the door closed because it hurts to walk by peering into the room imagining a baby that’s not here yet. It’s a little jab to my already aching heart. And that’s not what I want in my own home.

I taped the baseboards and I’m planning to paint. I chose a buttery neutral yellow color. A happy color. Instead of being my room of despair, or failure, it’s going to be my room filled with hope. It’s my small way of saying we’re not going to experience this forever. One day, this room will be filled with love.

I also asked my husband to build a child’s bookcase. My teacher hoarder tendencies have stashed away my favorite picture books. I gave some away to expecting friends, and of course my students, but I think it’s time I start giving them to myself. I’m going to start honoring those books and our hopeful plans of having a family. It’s going to happen for us, one way or another. I have faith. And that’s what this room will symbolize.

Are you there God? It’s me, Erin

Yesterday I had to go back into the doc’s office for blood work and an ultrasound. They are checking my FSH levels and looking at my ovaries for cysts. I’ve been feeling some dull pain where my ovaries are so I’m hoping it’s those dumb cysts exploding or something. And not endometriosis, because then we’re looking at surgery.

Tuesday was a hard day for me. I just felt really down. It was one of those days I kept asking myself why? Why us? Why this struggle? Why did I lose our first one? Why didn’t it happen again? It was one of those days I felt my faith wavering.

So Wednesday my husband decided to go with me to the appointment because he was leaving for an overnight trip. Our quality time together now includes doc appointments and needles.

As we were driving downtown at 6:45am, a man at red light signaled for us to roll down our window. He asked us how to get to Oakland. He needed to get to the women’s hospital because his wife just had a baby. The baby came 6 weeks early but the mom and baby were completely healthy and going home that day. He was so proud that his little guy passed the car seat test at only 4 lbs.

We told the man to just follow us because that’s exactly where we were going. I was astounded. What were the chances that two people at 6:45am at a random red light next to each other would be going to the exact same place? So many things had to line up perfectly for us to meet.

It may seem bizarre, or a random coincidence, but I took it as a sign. The day before I was having a pity party and asking why. And I feel like God sent me an answer. He told me to hold on. He told me that ours was coming. He told me that He heard me.

I pray that 2015 is a good year for us.