The empty room

We bought and moved into our first home two years ago. We were expecting our first baby at the time and imagined filling our three bedroom house in the upcoming year. Unfortunately things did not turn out as planned.

When we toured our home and moved in, we chose the smallest bedroom as our nursery. We started to imagine the layout and color scheme. I have a whole Pinterest board saved for this exact purpose! But two years later, it’s still a plain white room. I guess it reflects our experience trying to have a baby for the past two years. Grand plans, but still empty.

I decided that this room needed a change. I’m tired of looking at the room of “what ifs.” I usually keep the door closed because it hurts to walk by peering into the room imagining a baby that’s not here yet. It’s a little jab to my already aching heart. And that’s not what I want in my own home.

I taped the baseboards and I’m planning to paint. I chose a buttery neutral yellow color. A happy color. Instead of being my room of despair, or failure, it’s going to be my room filled with hope. It’s my small way of saying we’re not going to experience this forever. One day, this room will be filled with love.

I also asked my husband to build a child’s bookcase. My teacher hoarder tendencies have stashed away my favorite picture books. I gave some away to expecting friends, and of course my students, but I think it’s time I start giving them to myself. I’m going to start honoring those books and our hopeful plans of having a family. It’s going to happen for us, one way or another. I have faith. And that’s what this room will symbolize.

New year resolution

Every year I make a new year resolution. They aren’t your typical resolutions; they are more like personal mantras for my upcoming year. My past two resolutions included “learn to love Pittsburgh” and “live in the moment.” I remind myself of my mantra throughout the year and I feel like I’ve successfully adapted to Pittsburgh and life married to a charter pilot.

This year my resolution is “gain strength from your struggle.”

Marcus and I have been struggling with infertility for the past two years and we will continue on our journey to have a child in 2015. I have been tested to my limit this past year, both physically and emotionally. I have felt my lowest lows and completely hopeless at times. I struggle with understanding why Marcus and I are on this path. Infertility makes you question everything about yourself, your marriage, and your purpose in life.

On the other hand, I believe infertility has made me a stronger woman and wife. I think about everything Marcus and I have been through together and how our struggle having a child has brought us closer than ever. We are each other’s support through all of this. I could not do this without him (and not just physically!) If we can make it through infertility, we can make it through anything.

Infertility will make me a better mother. I can’t wait for the bouts of morning sickness and getting up with the baby in the middle of the night. I’m going to soak in every moment knowing it finally happened for us.

I think about how I will feel when we finally see that positive test. Imagining that feeling keeps me going most days.

So as I sit in the doctor’s office for more tests and procedures in 2015, I will tell myself to gain strength from my struggle. Be a stronger woman. Know that there is a light at the end of this long, dark, lonely tunnel. Know that we are surrounded by people that love and support us.

All we ask for is a little extra love and support this year. A hug when we need one. A shoulder to lean on when things get hard. Your prayers, thoughts, and positive baby makin’ vibes are appreciated. We are hopeful for 2015.

Are you there God? It’s me, Erin

Yesterday I had to go back into the doc’s office for blood work and an ultrasound. They are checking my FSH levels and looking at my ovaries for cysts. I’ve been feeling some dull pain where my ovaries are so I’m hoping it’s those dumb cysts exploding or something. And not endometriosis, because then we’re looking at surgery.

Tuesday was a hard day for me. I just felt really down. It was one of those days I kept asking myself why? Why us? Why this struggle? Why did I lose our first one? Why didn’t it happen again? It was one of those days I felt my faith wavering.

So Wednesday my husband decided to go with me to the appointment because he was leaving for an overnight trip. Our quality time together now includes doc appointments and needles.

As we were driving downtown at 6:45am, a man at red light signaled for us to roll down our window. He asked us how to get to Oakland. He needed to get to the women’s hospital because his wife just had a baby. The baby came 6 weeks early but the mom and baby were completely healthy and going home that day. He was so proud that his little guy passed the car seat test at only 4 lbs.

We told the man to just follow us because that’s exactly where we were going. I was astounded. What were the chances that two people at 6:45am at a random red light next to each other would be going to the exact same place? So many things had to line up perfectly for us to meet.

It may seem bizarre, or a random coincidence, but I took it as a sign. The day before I was having a pity party and asking why. And I feel like God sent me an answer. He told me to hold on. He told me that ours was coming. He told me that He heard me.

I pray that 2015 is a good year for us.