Looking for the answers in the pouring rain

I had my follow up appointment with my RE this morning. My husband was able to weasel his way out of a few flights to come with me, which I was extremely grateful because I needed his support today. 

We went over my past two cycles on clomid and my doctor concluded that medicated cycles aren’t working for us. She’s switching me to letrozole and strongly suggested doing an IUI next cycle. Pretty much what we expected going in. 

She apologized for giving us bad news. That’s one thing I really appreciate about my doctor. She’s very calming when I’m feeling anxious. We joked about the effects of clomid and laughed about my asparagus throwing episode. She bluntly stated that infertility is extremely unfair and emotionally draining. I feel like she’s not just treating my medical side effects but acknowledging the emotional ones as well. She’s rooting for us and she told us to not give up, even on our “off” cycles, because there isn’t any reason why it can’t happen. 

We also talked about my progesterone levels. She didn’t seem concerned about them but she wrote a note in my chart to monitor them. She also unexpectedly brought up IVF. I know that’s where we go when IUIs don’t work, but it’s scary to think about how fast this is all progressing. No one ever imagines themselves in this position. It’s all feeling more real now. There isn’t a magic pill for us. It’s getting more intense and scary. 

So we’re probably going to do a June IUI because I’ll be off from teaching and can focus all of my energy on baby makin’. In the mean time, I’m going to try acupuncture and spend the next month and a half getting in tip top shape! 

After our appointment I was feeling down. I still am. It’s a lot to process and I’m trying to accept that we’re most likely not going to conceive on our own. My husband knew I was down so he ways bring very optimistic and cheerful. He gave me lots of hugs and took me out to lunch at a restaurant I like. He even brought home flowers this evening! He’s the best! ☺️

 So if you’re reading this: thank you bub. Even though I may not always show it, you always make me feel better. We’ll get through this together. I love you.

On a side note, the title is a lyric from the song cigarette daydreams by Cage the Elephant. It’s a bit emo but the lyrics are beautiful and perfectly sum up how I feel.