Ouch

I was really feeling good lately. Hopeful. Even though our last two cycles on clomid were a bust and I had a minor stint with provera, I was still looking forward. But today was a huge set back. 

So I have a friend in town (which I don’t have many because my husband and I are transplants from another state) who I shared our infertility journey with. She was newly married and seemed to have a huge list of things stacked against her and her husband conceiving. She was going into it with a battle mentality thinking she would be in it for the long haul. 

I found comfort knowing I could talk freely about our infertility struggles. We even went to the same fertility clinic! We laughed at our experience with the nurse who gives awful blood draws! 

Today she invited my husband and I out to dinner. We ate, casually chatted, and then there was an awkward pause. 

She said, “well, we wanted to meetup with you guys because we want you to know we’re pregnant! We wanted to tell you first before you saw it anywhere because of the troubles you’ve been having.” 

Huh!?!!? 

I wish I had a camera so I could see a pictures of our faces. My husband graciously stepped up and started congratulating them while I literally sat with my mouth hanging open. 

I put on my big cheesy smile and tried to ask questions excitedly. But all I could think was don’t cry, hold it in. And her due date was early November, the same due date we were supposed to have 2 years ago before we lost our baby. After a bit, I casually passed my phone to my husband with a text that said, “I need to go.” 

I do feel happy for them. I’m glad they didn’t have to experience the medications, tests, heartbreak, insane medical bills, and everything else that comes with infertility. They got pregnant their very first month of trying (even with a serious diagnosis that I won’t go into here). 

We left, both with our painful smiles, and before we even made it to the car I was ugly crying. I felt (and still feel) like an awful person that I can’t just be happy for them. I can’t celebrate with them right now. I was literally holding myself bawling in the car while my husband drove home in silence. 

So, what did I learn tonight? Being told in person hurts. Bad. Especially when it’s completely unexpected. 

I’m really trying to not let this push me back into a dark place. Unfortunately those why us?!?! questions came creeping back in. A huge reminder that all of our tests come back normal but for some reason we still can’t get pregnant. A huge reminder that we should have our 1 year old bub right now. 

My husband and I are still sitting in silence. Shocked. Although we don’t have anyone around us to confide in, at least we have each other. I’m so thankful he’s been home lately and not away flying. 

He’s coming with me to our RE appointment Monday. We’re starting over. New meds. New plan. Fingers crossed. Stay strong. 

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