Google is not my friend

I successfully navigated most of our family holiday parties without breaking down in tears, saying something inappropriate, or avoiding them altogether. I only had one “break down and ugly cry” moment in the car driving back to Ohio. Of course, we were asked “the question” I mentioned in my last post. But I used my go to answer and the sting didn’t hurt as much this year. It could be because I prepped myself more this year or I’m just used to answering it at this point. Now to look forward!

Monday is our first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I started fertility testing with my OB/GYN this past spring without any conclusions. When it got to the point of prescribing clomid, I opted to make an appointment with a RE. I have a history of ovarian cysts so I felt like this was a better option for me personally. I researched RE’s in town, heard recommendations from friends and online, and decided to go to the biggest clinic at the women’s hospital downtown. Plus it’s close to work! (Trying to be positive here)

Since I already did fertility testing with my OB/GYN, I needed to pick up my records to take to the new doc. Let me just reference the title of this post; Google is not my friend. I found myself devouring every page of my records google-ing every medical term I could find. And I freaked myself out.

My husband has been out of state at training for the past month, so I was home alone, bored, lonely, and obsessed with my file. I went over my HSG results (which we completely normal) and my bloodwork that said in large lettering “ANOVULATION.” Not good.

Then there were the ultrasounds. I had a series of ultrasounds done to check cysts in my ovaries. Those were scary. I won’t get into the details but after reading and google-ing I was left feeling like I had two busted ovaries.

So this brings me to my appointment on Monday. What was your first appointment with your RE like? I’m expecting a consultation, maybe we’ll go over past tests and a plan for treatments or further testing. I’m scared of being given a prescription at the first appointment. I’m scared of being tossed into a sterile room with a gown on without warning. I’m scared of having docs in my “lady business” right away, but I guess I should be used to it at this point?

And by the grace of God, my husband will be home on Monday and not on call to fly. Thank you airplane Gods. I don’t think I could do this first appointment without him. I’m a nervous wreck.

I put this appointment off for a few months just because of fear. Although the tests I’ve done so far weren’t painful, the process is. I’m scared of finding out why we aren’t having children right now. I’m scared of a diagnoses. I’m scared of feeling defeated. I’m scared of starting treatments and getting my hopes up. I’m scared of doing treatments and my husband not being home anyways (#pilotwifeproblems). I’m just plain scared. So there’s that.

Any advice or words of encouragement are appreciated! I like hearing from other women who have walked in these painful, ugly, and uncomfortable shoes. From what I read online, there’s hope for all of us. I’m just waiting for mine.