Sacrifices

We all make sacrifices, every single day. I sacrificed my lunch break today to help my teaching assistant with my rowdy preschool class during nap time. It was a simple sacrifice on my part without many implications.

My husband and I sacrifice time together and happiness in the present to achieve our dreams in the future. We have all of these plans and ideas about our future life, but when does your current life actually turn out to be just your life? And those future plans seem more and more distant?

When we graduated college in 2010 we were lucky to find any job. My husband took a flight instructing job out of state in the hopes of flying the big jets one day. Six months later, his dreams came true and he’s been flying charter jets ever since.

Although it’s a great career move, it makes for a difficult home life. We live our life without a schedule. I’ve learned to not make plans because I’m often disappointed when he’s called away to fly. We make this sacrifice now so my husband can advance in his career and we can provide for our future children to our best ability.

Initially I told him, “just get a job, because a teacher can find a job anywhere!” Little did I know how difficult that would be. It took me four years to get into a school district in our area and I’m still striving for more in my career. I sacrifice finding better jobs to be in the same city as my husband (well, when he’s here anyways…). I sacrifice my mental and physical health teaching in an inner city neighborhood where I encounter difficult decisions about “my kids” daily. But it will pay off one day, right? When my student loans are gone and I have the street smart, think on your feet teacher repertoire that will land me a job in a wonderful school district…. right?

Although we are spending our twenties making all of the right choices, are we also missing our life? When we’re having truly awful months of weeks apart and “the unknown” thrown in our faces time and time again my husband reliably says, “It won’t be like this forever.” I feel like our inability to have children is tied to the sacrifices we are currently making to have our future children (if that makes any sense?). These past four years of sacrifice and two years of infertility sure feel like forever.

I’m not saying we have a rough life. Everyone has their struggles. I guess I’m just thinking out loud about our own.

Sometimes I want to just stop thinking. Stop planning. Stop taking the right steps and doing the right things. I just want to do. Let’s just jump head first into infertility treatments with faith that everything will work out.

Instead I find myself planning every day of my cycle and allocating every penny for our procedures. I think of every “what if” scenario and how to cope before anything has actually happened.

I feel like struggling with infertility forces you to stop living in the moment and take very purposeful steps for now on. Every decision has a reason. An intention. Everything is planned, documented, and strategized. And it all comes with a lot of sacrifice.

I don’t know if this post will even make sense to anyone out there in Internet world. I’ve found blogging to be therapeutic and help me untangle the knots in my mind, even if no one else can untangle them quite yet.